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Just in Case Some Schmucks Haven’t Invented it Yet: The Multi-Friend-Personal Auto-Greeter

May 17, 2015

Maybe you have had the occasion of being at a social event or running into a friend who is either too exhausted or sick of being in an environment where the same questions are asked of them over and over, and this friend suggests how great it would be to just have a button to push to give the automated response.  Of course with your [your brand name device here], that is easily done.  When you don’t have time to talk, physically unable to talk, or if you’re not in the mood but don’t want to snub that important person in your life, you can simply push the button and the warm greetings emit.  So, surely this has been marketed before.

“But wait, some of you may be thinking, “what kind of joke are you telling?  How cold and impersonal can you get with the automated message?  It’s a stupid stupid idea.”

But wait, that’s not what I’m saying.  How about creating a whole long index of automated carefully crafted and spontaneously sincere messages per the specific important persons in your life.  As, as we Lawrencians know, there are so fucking many them.

With that in mind, three stoned Friday nights ago as I was running a couple simple errands that required me to go downtown, the idea occurred to me.  I asked every figure I was warm enough to talk to then what their automated response would be and what kind of automated response they’d want [from me].  Many folks were just stumped, but a few pulled through.  Below is a list.  Please feel free to write to add the list, or anything you want to contribute, at Enduring Puberty Press at 1108 Oregon Street, Lawrence, KS.

But wait, there’s more.  Each one when completed will include the greeting, “Trademark Disclaimer”.  This is a work in progress, feel free to mail Enduring Puberty Press with your suggested automated responses

WORKING LIST OF AUTOMATED RESPONSES

Trademark Disclaimer: Dear friend, this is an Enduring Puberty Press automated response, designed to maximize what I might have otherwise forgotten to tell you.  Please know that I would probably love to have a great conversation with you, but we both know how difficult that is.

1. All this time I thought it was the garden space and the solar panels, but it’s that Creed wants some help being pushed out of Lawrence

2. Uhm, I’m okay…not much you?

I’m okay how about you

Uhm, nothing.  Nothing really

How are you, oh I’m fine

I’m good what are you up to

I’m good what’s up

Hey, how’s it going

I’m doing great

I’m doing pretty good

Good, I’m doing good.

I’m doing okay

I’m okay what about you?

Uhm ahh, like I don’t know

Like I don’t know, it’s uh…uh…

Uh…Pretty good, ya know

Pretty good

3. Friend,  I want you to be treated like I feel at this very moment

4.  I’m sorry love, I can’t be taken away from my mind right now.  I love you though and will invite you soon.

5.  I would like to make for the record that I hold us all partly responsible for the state of things.  That’s all I’m gonna say about that, before I lose you.  Now, what can I do to make your day better?

6.  Dear friend, I apologize for this automated response, please know that it comes from a very human response to the phenomena of people not listening anymore.

7.  I want to apologize for ever hurting you with my words.  May you visualize at this moment a pirouette of rain drops to complement the corolla of your sexy bed of hair.

8.  I want you to know that I really like and respect you, but that also when I think about you, it is often in the context of what to make of you millineals, inheriting this earth.  How do you experience such joyful communication?  I’m not trying to put you in a box or anything.  But your name is on Enduring Puberty Press Radio

9. I could’ve pulled a lot of (my) strings to get here.  Now can I pull yours?

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